who I use to be. I didn’t need anyone, ever. I took pride in being “fiercely independent.”
I always laughed eveything off and I think the longest I could stay upset was approx 30 seconds.
I had a lot of fun and I didn’t take a whole lot seriously. I was confident, kindof selfish, and really happy. I had everything I wanted and I guess I didn’t realize how much I took for granted.
the night everything changed. I remember the color of that stupid shirt I was wearing and how rough his hands felt. I remember naming every excuse I could think of to say I didn’t want to do it.
I remember the anger in his eyes, and how small and weak I felt trying to be stronger than him. I remember feeling helpless and not knowing what the fuck I was suppose to do. I remember thinking “if I could just get out” but I didn’t know how. I remember how I thought the ringing phone was my rescue and how pissed I was I couldn’t reach it. I remember wimpering from the pain and actually breaking out in tears. I remember praying it would stop, and how empty the sky looked to me when I decided God wasn’t listening. I remember feeling like someone just suckerpunched the life right out of me, and how disqusted I felt the whole way back. I remember how it felt like the dumb stoplight was red for an eternity and I just wanted to get away from him. I remember thinking I wish I could just disappear right there and how I no longer felt like I had any feeling left to even move. I remember feeling like I was nothing and I had nothing left to lose.
how lost I was. I remember that the most. Maybe because it’s how I’m starting to feel all over again. I remember pulling away from everyone & not answering calls or texts. I remember hiding inside and not wanting to talk. I remember not eating for long periods of time and constantly waking up from bad dream after bad dream. I remember not wanting to get out of bed to go to work and walking around like a fucking zombie. I remember the dozens of crazy colors I dyed my hair and why I got a tattoo on my wrist that said ‘stay strong’. I was spiraling, fast. Had it not been for one person, never taking the hint to leave me alone, I think I would have continued to selfdestruct. One person who kept trying day after day whether I answered or not and the only one who called me on my bullshit when I was fine. When I was scared of EVERYONE & everything I felt safe with him and I remember the night he (probably without knowing it) pulled me back. I remember sitting outside my house for hours talking and how when I would start to cry, he let me, but then he’d just make me laugh. I thought I was numb until he made me feel. That night I realized if I was upset to “lose” him, I had things left to lose. It snapped me back to reality. It didn’t magically fix anything, it didn’t make anything disappear, but it mattered to me, because it was the night I was rememinded I was still alive. It happened, and I didn’t want to admit it happened, but life kept moving forward whether I liked it or not. That was the night I decided I would keep moving too and I wouldn’t give up without a fight. It feels like I’ve been fighting forever, I wish I could say it’s been smooth sailing, but it really hasn’t been. There are many times (like now) that doubts creep in. It feels like no matter what I do, that same deep, dark, ocean is always ready to pull me right back down and consume me. It’s the most frustrating feeling ever.
That cliche about ” Time heals all wounds” is crap. I know it is crap.. If you have, say a paper cut, alright I’ll buy that time will heal it. You give it a few days and it has disappeared on its own. Other cuts are deeper though, and sometimes they get infected, if you don’t treat it, time will do nothing to heal it. Instead the infection may spread throughout your blood and your body, and you may wind up having to get a limb amputated. That’s how this feels. This wasn’t a cut time healed. This wasn’t a paper cut. This was a massive cut. I close my eyes and I still feel it. I feel all of it.
So why don’t you put that in your stupid fucking notes and justify to me how he isn’t the bad guy here.